There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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