i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
