It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Watching her eat just hurts me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
