im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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