I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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