I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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