All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
