when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
