I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
