Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
