The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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