By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I wish there were birth control emojis
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
