she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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