I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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