I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
