just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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