Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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