You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
