I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
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