why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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