I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
