I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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