I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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