just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
