i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
