Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Randomize
