Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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