At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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