I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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