as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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