Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
