so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
