I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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