Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
