so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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