It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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