I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
