Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Who died my cat blue again?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
