We won't sleep together?
so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
