My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
