mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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