My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
