if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
please come you make the beer taste better
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
