batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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