College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
