I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
