Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
