Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
