My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
