My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We got so high we made milksteak
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
